Jan Squire - About Me
A short Gender biography
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I was born in 1946 in Adelaide, and had a typical, if very religious (Methodist) childhood and upbringing. My childhood was more or less nornal, but, by about age 10, I felt somehow different, but did not know why. I did not make friends easily, and gradually felt a compulsion to wear female clothing. This need increased at puberty, but I still did not understand why I felt different. I won (or is that lost) the lottery to spend two years in National Service, and spent the time in Australia as a telegraph technician. In 1970, I was married to a wonderful woman, and had two great sons. This took me into my mid twenties, when I found out there were such people as transvestites, and the label seemed to fit how I felt. It was much later that I came to learn of the many differences between being a crossdresser and being affected by transsexualism.
I always felt different, and infrequently was able to indulge in some cross-dressing. When I was 34 years old, I came to the realisation that, if I were female, my whole life and feelings made sense. Clearly, my brain was not consistent with my body. This was about 1980, and was the time I told my wife of my difference. She was understanding, and at the time was able to rationalise her feelings on an intellectual level, and be comfortable, if a bit uncertain. The emotional level was much more difficult, but dressing was infrequent and behind doors.
As the eighties blurred into the nineties, I became more distressed about my body image, and the continuing suppression of the person I felt I was. This began to impact on our relationship, and I stressed my partner by shaving body hair, having inappropriate mannerisms, leaving nail polish specks visible, etc, etc. It was much later, as I was learning about myself in a new relationship, that I understood fully the incredible stress and emotional rollercoaster that Anne was experiencing because of my actions.
As a public servant of some thirty years, I organised my redundancy (very easy in a public sector organisation that was rapidly down sizing), and stayed home to be the primary carer for our foster child of the time (he had cerebral palsy and was mostly confined to a wheelchair). We had been foster parents for a long time, and provided emergency and respite care for abused children and children with disabilities, but that is another story. This was also the time I first saw my GP about my gender issues, and joined the Carrousel Club (1992).
I had a fairly unsatisfactory series of consultations with psychiatrists up to 1996, when I was at my lowest point and feeling that suicide was a good option. Fortunately, my partner made me take control again, and she accepted my need to live my life as a woman. This created lots of distress for her in the process (this is also another long story). We had stopped sleeping together but talked a lot. I had been dressing in public for some time, but now I had to prove to myself that I would be accepted full time, and that I could manage the many challenges that lay ahead. My psychiatrist became helpful and supportive; perhaps he could see I had made some hard decisions and had a purpose in life.
Nominally, I began to live fulltime as Jan from 1 January 1997. I had long discussions with my partner about how we would tell friends, relatives, etc, and also the Board of the Down Syndrome Society (in Sout Australia), where I was Honorary Treasurer. We planned carefully, but my partner was very uncomfortable about being seen with me in public. This took some two years before she felt completely ok anywhere we were out together. She also had to endure the endless questions that people were unwilling to ask me, and this took its toll emotionally for a long time. I was generally accepted very well, but it took some people a while to get used to Jan, and the need to change the pronouns they were used to. No friends or family were lost just because of my gender change.
I somehow managed through year one, feeling good, but uncertain where my life was going. At the start of year two, I decided to start applying for jobs, just to see how I would be treated, and to test whether I could actually land one. At the seventh application, I received an interview but not the job (I have tertiary accounting qualifications). The next application was exactly the type of job I wanted, so I changed my resume a lot, and managed an interview. The next day, in April 1998, my life changed as I was offered the position, and started the day after. This community based, not for profit employment service could not have been more welcoming, and for the first time, I was in an environment where I was only known as Jan. After two and a half years, I am very much accepted as a member of a great team, and have a key management role. Employment gave me an enormous boost to my self confidence and it helped my financial independence as well. This was the final event that made me realise I could live independently if I had to, and removed the last of my self imposed barriers to surgery. I entered the operating theatre in December 1999.
The years 2000 and 2001 passed, and Anne and I were slowly recognising that changes were happening to our relationship. While we both recognised our marriage had ended, and had agreed that either could leave to start a new life, we still shared our house, and were mostly behaving as a couple in public. Anne planned a holiday in Canada for 2002, and I subsequently planned a trip to England in 2003. Both of these holidays allowed us to be ourselves, and we could see what life was like as an individual. The experience gave both of us the chance to see our own lives in perspective. We started to recognise that we now had a friendship that was strong, but both of us experienced sadness at these changes.
As I write this in August 2004, my partner and I are finally comfortable in each other's company, but are still deciding where the future will lead us. A chance encounter over the internet with Colin (first contact was about two years ago), has given me the opportunity to consider a new relationship opportunity. We have met a few times, and I have experienced some unexpected emotional challenges as a result. This made me realise the enormous emotional stress I must have been caused to Anne, and now recognise that what I thought was conditional support, really was a courageous attempt to stay around to see where this was going. I am now determined to write about this stage of my life, because I have seen nothing in print so far, to alert me to the real affect I was causing to those around me.
At work, my gender difference is rarely discussed, and only a few staff show an ongoing interest in my life. I have no idea if the more recently employed staff are aware of my background. I am still involved as a volunteer with Down syndrome, especially in their monthly Rock'n'Roll nights, and am attempting a new internet venture with Colin.
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This section last updated on 3 September 2006
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