I now believe there is a fifth - being a woman first, with the transgender origins blurring into the past.

Life is not a dress rehearsal!

Relationships - Initial disclosure
My issues
I kept this secret for many years. I knew I was different at about age 10, but did not find a label to describe how I felt till about age 20. Anne and I married in 1970 at age 24, and we were 34 before I told Anne. I had a fear of what would happen to me, to her, to us? The children? Everyone else? Hoped the feelings would go away, but of course they did not. As I got older, the feelings I had hoped would go away got stronger, and were becoming clearer as to what they meant to me. The fear of telling Anne grew - anxiety about what would happen if I was caught dressed, and what reaction I would receive and what would happen afterwards if I told Anne of these feelings.

Why did I feel happier and more comfortable in woman's clothing? I had no answers as to why I felt this way

Initial disclosure was about wanting to be honest to Anne, and not having to hide my true feelings any longer.

Partner issues
This information came out of the blue for Anne. She gave academic acceptance, and saw crossdressing as a fetish. She needed questions answered about who I really was. She was mortified at my dress sense, and incensed that I had been wearing her clothing. Anne accepted dressing behind closed doors as 'ok', and rationalised that it could have been something much worse - drugs, alcohol, accident paraplegic, workaholic, etc etc.

Anne shared this information with one girlfriend, but there was no support or ideas resulting. Anne wondered if she should be accepting, and where could she get information and support? None known - tried Seahorse!

I originally chose my name as Cathy. Anne was angry about this, because she had chosen Cathy as the name of a hoped for daughter. She was embarrassed and angry at mail coming addressed to Cathy.

She gradually gained strength to discuss more on an equal footing as time went on. However, there was still a power imbalance and a comfort imbalance.

Relationship issues and possible Outcomes
What I thought was ok with Anne clearly was not. I think I was hearing and seeing a qualified yes as unequivocal support. An example was in Anne's horror at my clothing choice, so she helped me purchase a decent wardrobe. I interpreted this as support when it was intended to keep me out of Anne's clothes, and for me to look ok. I kept moving forward, adding to her distress. This was seen by Anne as me not being at all considerate of her needs.

We seemed to have ongoing discussion and Anne seemed to give 'tentative' acceptance? Anne offered me some mentoring support and helped with buying clothing and cosmetics.

I contacted the co-ordinator of the Seahorse Society of Australia (as it was then), hoping for information and support. Their 'counsellor' came to visit with his wife. He came cross-dressed (very badly), and Anne commented at the audacity of the guy coming as 'her', without Anne's permission. Anne was ignored the whole visit, even by his wife. A little info was given to me, but it was generally a wasted visit because I felt it inappropriate to attend their functions, given Anne's reaction to the visit. Anne saw the club as a secret society for crossdressers.

Generalist issues
Sometimes the first three stages all hit at once or in quick succession. Nevertheless, I think the stages exist and can be identified. Usually counsellors or health workers are not involved at this stage, but if they are, there is an opportunity to support and encourage discussion about each others' needs and the future. Alternatively, there may be an opportunity to provide support to help both partners move on or gradually re-network independently.

There are several ways that the couple will respond to the disclosure of the information. There may be total acceptance, and the couple can happily continue their life together. Sometimes, the partner will weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving, and decide leaving will be much worse (and any crossdressing is hidden and secret). In our case, there was uncertainty, but we kept talking about the issues. Often, there will be total rejection, with either an ultimatum of crossdressing or me, or the partner just leaves the relationship.

Desirable outcomes
I believe that our special needs and circumstances (tg and partner) must be recognised, both in the general community and in the helping professions, so that those of us in our situation are able to go somewhere for support, guidance and counselling. The helping professions have an opportunity to provide information and support, and an opportunity to encourage both people to communicate and start to decide where their future lies. I believe the helping professions have great skills and knowledge about grief and marriage counselling, and these skills can be used with a little creativity, and some thinking outside the box. A person or couple can look up the phone book and chose between lots of people who can help with grief and marriage issues. Where are all the signs saying 'transgender issues a specialty'?

I believe relationships and marriages change and end for all sorts of reasons. Transgender issues is just one of thousands. We need support early, which might have a side benefit of a surprising improvement to male suicide rates.

Relationships - Outward signs - 'creating Jan'
My issues
Each year, my feelings about my gender state grew stronger. This was not going to go away, and I had a growing need to be the persona I believed I was. At age 35, quite suddenly, I realised that if I were female, my feelings made sense. I put this as a significant turning point in my thinking about my future, and at the same time realised it was impossible to do anything with this knowledge. In hindsight, I wish I had done something about my gender issues much earlier, but recognise I probably would not have survived then. I have always believed things in my (our) life have happened at the most appropriate time for a good outcome. I was still well and truly in the closet as far as family and the world knew.

I felt some sense of freedom at last. I practised make-up skills often, dressed as Jan whenever I could, and was mostly wearing female underwear and unisex clothing whenever possible. I believed that Anne was accepting and supportive, but in writing this, I found out she was not. Often I did not hear what Anne was really saying. Sometimes our discussion really was meaningful and on an equal footing, but at other times there were biases in play which distorted or unbalanced our discussions. At this time, I probably had too much power and held more aces than did Anne. I was starting to see where my future lay, but could not communicate this. Anne still had no-one to talk to, and I had not sought help at this stage.

Partner issues
Anne saw the outward signs, and thought that everyone in the world could, too.. Nail polish and long finger nails, shaved arms, tucked penis, traces of makeup, etc. This had a huge social and emotional impact on Anne. I kept pushing Anne to allow Jan to exist more and more. For example, we visited family in Melbourne often, and I kept asking to travel dressed as Jan. Anne always declined, but I dressed as Jan under my outer clothes. Anne had a fear of what would happen if we were involved in an accident, or if the police stopped us, and that I used to take too long in the loo. A social fear.

Anne felt there were no answers to each of these stages, and no-one to ask about our unique circumstances. Each stage was magnified by fear (eg shaved arms), but in writing this, Anne acknowledged that the fear was often unfounded. At the time, the fear of discovery for Anne was very real. I was galloping towards some future goal, and Anne was ready to walk out at this point.

Several 'what if ' questions start to form in Anne's mind. What happens to the children, family, work, friends, if any of them find out? Painful secrets needed to kept and children sheltered. Anne felt this was the beginning of the loss of her husband.

Relationship issues and possible Outcomes
I was seen as eccentric during this time. In retrospect, things had been noticed by family members in isolation, but no connections were made at this time. At disclosure to family (still some years away), comments like "I remember seeing . . .", "That makes sense of . . .".

The gap between Anne and myself started to become great. I was looking to the future, and 'what was possible' considerations. Anne was thinking of the present and desparately trying to keep the status quo. Anne thought I was generally working through my issues and becoming comfortable with where I wanted to go, without considering whether she was keeping up. She coped with her issues in her way, but I was leaving her behind. A time of increasing tensions. The future was very unsure for both of us, but for very different reasons.

Anne tried to set boundaries, although I continuously pushed them. I was starting to think I needed to live as Jan but did not know how, and I knew Anne would/could not accept this. I had not raised this issue with Anne at this time.

Generalist issues
The push to create an image will be too much for many partners. Ultimatums may become more frequent. An outward image is harder to cover up, and we might want to do things the partner will not enjoy doing. It is sometimes at about this point that the tg may form an opinion as to whether or not living full-time is a future goal. Some will not want to give up their male side, eg they enjoy being a male with their partner, and possibly male pursuits, but need to be female sometimes. This is probably not clear enough to articulate, but decisions and conflicts may indicate which direction the tg will eventually go. The partner may be feeling more unsure of her future unless reassurance is given about her partner's 'male' future. The partner may still feel this is under control, but she should try to find out if it really is the result of frank and honest discussion.

The helping professions who might be involved at this stage have a role to help the tg find their place and future goals, and to articulate this, and to help the couple agree on their future direction. Often, these decisions are worked through by the couple in isolation, because few people know where to go to seek help. These issues only occur if the partnership survives through the first stage. There are lots of tg who have to deal with this stage on their own, or with someone in a tg group.

Desirable Outcomes
The couple start to form a view as to where the future will lead. The tg may start to see where their future lies, 'two spirit', mostly male, or more and more female, or just do not know. This knowledge must be communicated to keep both partners informed about the future. There is always a risk that each new stage will push the partner beyond her limits, causing a communication or relationship breakdown.The tg person or any supporting professional should be alert for signs of discomfort by either partner. Depression will probably be an issue for one of the partners. Both partners should have lots of informed and empathic support. Having got this far along the bus journey, good communication should be evident, and both partners should have enough of a bond to try to keep the relationship or friendship alive. They should be able to discuss issues and their feelings equally.

Relationships - Coming out of the closet
My issues
At about age 45, I was in the process of taking a separation package after 29 years with Telecom, and becoming the primary carer for a wheelchair bound foster child with cerebral palsy. I was deeply depressed at this time, but we did not recognise the symptoms. I wanted hormonal intervention to see if it could help my general feeling of well-being, and so I consulted our family Doctor.

After a couple of discussions and visits, I felt there was a conflict of interest in that I believed he favoured Anne in our situation, and was not attuned to my distress. I thought he was not helpful for my needs. However, he did refer me to two psychiatrists. I saw Dr A four or five times, including once with Anne. He effectively said what I wanted was not feasible, and I should wait for two years and work things out with Anne, and then come back. He suggested I consider dressing androgynously. He would not consider hormone prescription.

I waited the two years, and our relationship and our discussions were on hold at this time. I knew I needed to be female, but did not know how to progress from here. I went back to Dr A, who referred me to a psychiatrist with considerable experience with transgender clients. I felt he was pushing me to make critical decisions about my future, without me being equipped to make those decisions. He came very close to pushing me over the edge, and suicide looked to be a good option to solve my problem once and for all. I thought this would also solve the problems I had caused to my partner and children.

I wanted to grow my hair long. I had my hair permed for a few years. This was a waste of time in hindsight, but it proved to me there was not enough natural hair to allow me to be convincing as Jan.

How do I come out of the closet? What would happen if I went out dressed? These were hurdles I was battling to find a way around. I effectively was outed by my youngest son who came home from school early and unexpectedly, and found Jan. We then told our elder son, and offered information. M was 19 and C was 17. There was acceptance but embarrassment. By this time, I was attending the Carrousel Club's monthly social nights, and the boys were then part of the 'security service' to get Jan out of the house.

I was driven to being Jan in public. I needed to overcome my fear, and prove to myself I could do this. When I was comfortable, I tried to get Anne to come with me. She did a few times, but it was very painful for her. She was way behind in her comfort zone, and was losing control of Jan, and of her husband.

Being out in public provides a great opportunity to make mistakes. More than once I asked about something for my wife while out as Jan. Recently while at a rock'n'roll night for kids (with disabilities), I was asked if I was a boy or girl. I hate to admit that the question caught me off guard and I could have answered it much better.

I went shopping with a tg friend a few times, and I think we helped each other to become more comfortable with our new roles.

Partner issues
Anne was still worried about keeping the secret in the immediate family, and of the pressure and judgements of society if anyone found out? When I started to attend Carrousel Club functions, it was a challenge to get out of the house and back in when the boys had their friends at home. It was an occasional co-ordination nightmare which they felt pressured or obliged to help me. This did not happen often, but it happened enough to cause worry and panic.

Anne's fear of losing her husband grew, and issues around the financial burden started to surface (double wardrobe, laser and electrolysis treatment, wigs, make-up, etc). By this time, Anne could see that I was heading towards my future and she could not stop it .Anne felt I was continuing to travel well ahead of her comfort levels.

Anne started attending Carrousel functions and networked with other partners who were at different stages along the journey. Anne reflected many partners' views when she says that the tg is galloping along and is self-consumed, eg "Give Jan an inch and she will take a mile", "Opening Pandora's box". Anne managed to cope with one issue at a time, but in her view, I was always sailing off ahead.

Relationship issues and possible Outcomes
It is often this haste that will make it challenging for a partner to keep up with and work through relationship changes. Being out in public is a whole new dimension. I am effectively in disguise if I pass friends or work colleagues, but Anne is known and recognisable by all her friends and acquaintances, and our joint friends. This acceptance and walking with me was a huge ask. She could see everyone picking me as transgendered.

Anne did come out with me a few times, but very uncomfortable. What if someone sees me? Just before I transitioned, we met for afternoon tea. I was with a ts friend who was also coming out, and her mum and us were shopping etc - a girls day out. We met Anne who (unexpectedly) had a respite care teenager with her (she had a mild intellectual disability). The teenager looked me up and down much too closely, and Anne and my friend kept distracting her with conversation to avoid any questions.

This is a crucial time because I was rapidly pushing new boundaries, and often the different perspectives and comfort levels tested our relationship severely. Often this is crunch time, because the regular appearance of the tg may push the partner beyond what she is willing to accept.

Generalist issues
If dialogue is still in place, the friendship is probably strong enough to survive most things. However, it will not guarantee that changes won't happen, or are not just around the corner. For some, this would be far enough. For me and many others, we still have further to go, and profound changes are ahead. By this stage, communication skills have been tested and are deemed to be good. Support networks are probably good for both partners. Sometimes, the partner has less support than the tg, just because there are too few knowledgeable health professionals to go around. The partner may be lucky to have supportive friends or a club partner support group. The partner is likely to be willing to continue to provide support, even if she is uncomfortable about some aspects of her partner, or even if she is worried about the future.

Desirable Outcomes
Needs to be an awareness that the partner has made some enormous adjustments to get this far and still be willing to support or stay with her partner. In spite of progress to date, it needs to be recognised that the next step can be the most challenging or devastating, depending on the viewpoint of the partner. It will certainly involve the greatest upheaval of all the challenges that have been faced so far. There should be some understanding as to how far the tg may want to go, and what this might mean to the partner. Many partners who marry do so as husband and wife. When the wife starts seeing her husband as a woman, whatever the discussion and communication, there may well come a point where the partner has to deal with the issue of 'am I having a relationship with a woman', and 'how do I feel about that'? Or the question can be stated as, "am I a lesbian?". Both partners need lots of support to deal with this question, if it arises here.

Relationships - Transition
My issues
In 1996 I was close to committing suicide - it seemed a good option compared to taking this enormous step. I was at a life or death stage. I was starting to feel better since finding a Doctor who was happy to prescribe hormones, and I was seeing an endocrinologist for specialist evaluation. I told my psychiatrist at my next visit and he went ballistic - he wanted to be in control, not the Doctor and Endo. He stopped the Doctors treating me and I was devastated. This did push me over the edge for a while. I had some huge battles with myself about how and when would be easiest, and I still had a rifle on our property at that stage. Fortunately, I managed not to try anything silly, but this was a really hard time. I felt like I was battling the whole world, and felt like I was living outside of it, and not being able to get back in.

In hindsight, Anne and I realised I had been moderately to severely depressed for the past 10 or so years. It was only when I had made some critical life decisions about becoming Jan and began looking forward to a future, that I realised how much different I felt. Anne noticed this change in me separately, and the extent only became obvious in preparing this paper, as we talked about how different I was behaving, and how different I felt.

I could finally see a future for me. I still did not know if it would work. I did not know how family and friends would react. Anne and I started planning in August for a 'change' date in January 1997. Our relationship ceased at this point, for it was one of the agreed consequences I had to accept in exchange for Anne's continuing support. We had not really defined how our relationship or friendship would change in the future, but we agreed we would continue to evolve in whatever way the future brought us. I conveyed the 'news' of my life change to most people, but Anne bore most of the follow up questioning, and some repair work with family and friends.

After 12 months living as Jan, I started applying for jobs, not really expecting to get one, or not knowing how I would cope if I did get one. I had been out of the workforce for a bit over six years. I did find work, and am still there as Finance Manager and accountant.

A question is often asked of me as to whether I seek a male or female partner now, and my answer is always a male partner. The next question inevitably is when did I switch? Why did I switch? How can it be? I have never been able to answer it satisfactorilly to myself, but part of the answer revolves around the issue of disconnecting emotionally from Anne, after something like 30 years of marriage and friendship. While I thought there was a chance of keeping the relationship going, my allegiance was to Anne. When I finally realised our relationship had changed to a friendship forever, I began thinking of a future for me. I do not expect to have a future relationship, but if the opportunity did occur, I would be happy to explore a future with a male partner in my life, but not a female.

Partner issues
While I was looking to the future with some hope for a life I could cope with, Anne's life was slowly going downhill, in a number of areas. She no longer has a husband or marriage.

Future problems
Anne was always looking at future problems. Will the kids accept? What about their girlfriends? What will happen when they marry? Will we share grandchildren, and what will be their contact with Jan? There is a loss of future dreams. No Golden Wedding anniversary, no travelling together. The list is endless, and there is not a lot of good news or optimism in what Anne could see of her future - only losses.

Names
The challenge of the right pronoun and personal description is well known. Dad and Grandpa as labels do not fit the image of Jan, but some labels are needed to fit within society. These words provide a meaningful reference to a significant person in our family unit. We have no labels to provide clarity to the role Jan fulfils. Anne is Anne, mum and grandma. Jan is . . . Jan. We have twin granddaughters who are now four months old. This brings a new set of challenges, and we need to resolve them. The children need a name for Jan that is consistent with my appearance, and yet conveys somehow the special relationship that exists, and their genetic link to me. I am happy with Jan or aunty Jan, but Anne and others think that is not appropriate. Janma is another option. The jury is still out on this. In the meantime I am still called 'dad', or 'Michael's dad', which will cause confusion as the girls grow older.

Transition
Jan took over Anne's husband, and Anne fought the other woman with everything she had. Anne saw it as a bit like trying to cope with an extra-marital affair. Anne perceives that I see myself as still being essentially the same, finally being allowed to show my true self. The new self is a very different presentation, and is not the man Anne married and knew. There are new mannerisms, and Anne perceives that a more gentle and happier person exists.

Grief
Grief is very different in a tg relationship. There is no wake, no grieving as in a funeral, no normally accepted pathway to move on - no closure. Anne perceives that I expect her to think there is nothing different. "This is the real me", she hears me say. I am still here every day to see and remind her of the past, and of her loss. Yet she still chose to stay, and tried to work through these many issues. In this area, there is no body of knowledge in the helping professions. Anne wanted and needed a number of things :

• peer support with facilitation by a trained counsellor familiar with transgender issues, and not by another transgendered person,
• information written for and by partners
• support to make some hard decisions and to manage the grief process
• A way to balance the enormous social pressure from friends who unanimously were trying to get her to walk away from the situation. "Get out", they were saying. To me, this is the area where most support is needed to have a chance of moving on