Jan - Introduction
I have been living my life appropriately for the past 6 years. I am well past fifty years of age, so there were nearly 50 years that were mostly good to me, but I was not able to be myself.
Anne and I have selected our Wisdoms from a long paper were are currently writing about the issues affecting the transsexual and her partner. It is narrowly focussed around our own circumstances, but there are Wisdoms and conclusions that can be extended to others. We have selected our Wisdoms from broad subject areas we are calling Disclosure and Relationship issues, Transition issues, and Partner services and needs. The language and experience we use is for the path male to female, but I acknowledge there are other pathways.
I have 6 Wisdoms, which I will state, and then talk about.
Do not keep a secret of your gender despair!
As most of us know, we begin to become aware of our difference from about age 5 or 6. Of course, I had no idea then what those feelings were, but I knew that it was not normal to want to be a girl or to like feminine things.
I spent decades trying to conform, and taking opportunities and risks when I thought it was safe. I could not defeat my inner self. All the time, that inner self was learning more about gender difference, and was insisting I really was a female. I suspect that if I declared I was a female 30 years ago, I probably would still be in Glenside, or long ago would have ceased to have lived.
But now times are different. I was bottling something up inside of me, and was not functioning effectively as a guy during the eighties and in to the nineties. Today, how I felt would have been called depression, but I thought I had to put up with those feelings, and Anne did not realise what the symptoms were. In hindsight, it was very obvious.
My plea is for Society to make it easy for people with gender issues to be able to be open, to communicate their feelings with their loved ones, and to be able to work through their issues with the medical profession. This does not have to be an easy road, but it needs to be 'paved' and smooth. It should not be like having a bank home loan, where the bank holds all the aces, including some we do not know about.
My disclosure and transition was a new beginning for me, but this was the destruction of life as Anne knew it.
Every relationship is different. This new information about our gender identity might be the 'last straw', and the couple each go their own ways. In our case, we were able to start a dialogue that has been ongoing for many years, We explored each others' feelings and fears, and adapted the pace of change accordingly. From my side of the fence, this was often still too fast for Anne's comfort.
Our communication is still ongoing, and in some ways, is becoming even more open and honest. I do not think this collaboration today would have been possible even two years ago.
There is, however, one issue that I and many others fail to acknowledge properly. Just as I was viewing the future with some excitement and am thinking of the possibilities, I tended to ignore the fact that our relationship had died at the same time. This is the real pain in a process of gender transformation.
Telling children and family about gender is much the same as forecasting the weather
It was one thing to tell my partner about my true gender feelings. We are together most of the time and have numerous opportunities to communicate. It does not mean that communication will be successful, but at least there are multiple opportunities to engage.
Telling others is much more problematic. Children, especially those under about 18 years, do not have mature reasoning and discussion skills, and often the first attempt at communicating this new information about dad will set the tone for the future. Kids sense the comfort levels of their parents, and they sense the unity displayed by their parents in this discussion. They react accordingly, but we cannot predict exactly how.
Younger children will accept non-complex information happily, so long as their security is not compromised. Older teens will often accept but do not want to discuss this or be involved.
Our children were 18 and 16 when I was sprung unexpectedly when our younger son came home early from school one day. I was a social embarrassment to them, and our need to keep the secret from the rest of the family was something for which they needed support. Ten years on, they are more comfortable with me, but still see me as dad, and not Jan.
Family also seemed to mostly follow our comfort levels and our display of unity, but the support was usually much more for Anne than for myself. We did plan the disclosure carefully, but it did not always go according to plan.
There is nothing like changing from one gender to the other
The decision to change from male to female is so fundamentally different from anything else. It tests the very core of our culture - that you are born male, end of story. Being a transgender person immediately challenges everything most people know about being male and female. There is really no other life experience that comes close. So, we have people on the back foot to start with, and we have to work hard to change that.
I believe we can work through this barrier, and we can do this by gently educating those around us. I try to live my life without being too confrontational, and I pick the right times to interact closely with others.
I have been attending my annual accounting congress each year for the last five years, and this year was the first time I actively networked all through the two days. I waited for the right timing and the right vibes within me. And I felt really comfortable in that environment for the first time.
I am disadvantaged by a loss of context with the past
The trans woman loses all context with the past. I feel I have no appropriate upbringing, and no gender correct experiences, etc. I am lost with Mothers/Fathers Days. I do not like to be acknowledged on Fathers Day, and receive no acknowledgement on Mothers Day. It would be nice if there were enough of us to push for a new day of recognition, Parents Day.
I see others in the same way I always have, but acknowledge that the process of becoming Jan has changed me in some ways. I do not know where I have come from, but I am very sure who I am and where my future lies. Others see a new image, but have memories of a different person in the past. This can create a mind conflict within my family and friends that can be difficult to manage or control.
I believe I have always been a woman, but had the disability of not having the body to match.
I do not have the answer to correct this loss of context, but I have had to work very hard to unlearn and relearn a lot of gender specific information, behaviours and skills. I am still learning.
Planning and marketing strategies will maximise our chances of success
I have to say I have been very lucky over the past several years. I have a useful professional qualification, and I have had the benefit of a firm but fair mentor and life coach. I received support and feedback when it mattered most, and now am able to rely more on my own instincts.
I see some common characteristics in those of us who have succeeded in our quests to express our preferred gender. They are the same characteristics that I think make a successful business.
They include :
- the strong desire to succeed in the venture
- the understanding that the person herself is solely responsible for success or failure
- the ability to adapt quickly to changing situations
- some basic knowledge of the task ahead
- and the ability to see and grab any luck that comes our way.
I am reminded of the 'Best Baker in Australia', Tom O'Toole, who wrote about his rise to excellence in the book 'Breadwinner'. It was published only a couple of years ago. Quite simply, if Tom could succeed from his start in life, we all can.
Anne
With disclosure, there is a transfer of a significant 'burden' from the Ts to the partner, and a timing mismatch
I felt I faced four separate stages of disclosure :
- Initial disclosure was about wearing feminine clothes privately. Academic acceptance, a fetish.
- Then came outward signs. Nail polish, shaved arms, tucked penis, traces of makeup, etc. A social and emotional impact.
- Coming out of the closet. Going out dressed. Painful, secrets needed to kept and children sheltered. Beginning of the loss of a husband.
- Transition. Jan took over my husband, and I fought the other woman with everything I had. Like trying to cope with an extra-marital affair.
I saw so many problems with the future, when disclosure occurred
These included :
- What are you? I need information.
- Where are you headed? Where do I fit in?
- What happens to the children, family, work, friends, if any of them find out?
- Keeping the secret in the immediate family - pressures and judgements of society if they find out?
- Fear of losing my man, the financial burden (double wardrobe, laser, wigs, make-up, etc)
- I was always looking to future problems. Will the kids accept? Girlfriends? Marriage? Grandchildren?
- A loss of future dreams. Golden Wedding anniversary, Travelling together.
Labels get all screwed up
The challenge of the right pronoun is well known. Dad and Grandpa as labels do not fit the image of Jan, but some labels are needed to fit within society. They provide a meaningful reference to a significant person in our family unit. We have no labels to provide clarity to the role Jan fulfils.
Grandchildren are expected next year, and a new set of challenges will surface and need to be resolved. The children need a name for Jan that is consistent with her appearance, and yet conveys somehow the special relationship that exists, and their genetic link to Jan.
I am Anne, a mother and a grandmother. Jan is . . . Jan.
The transsexual often finds it difficult to acknowledge the needs of the partner
Many partners say that the tg is galloping along and is self-consumed. I felt Jan definitely travelled ahead of my comfort levels. Sometimes well ahead. Give Jan an inch and she will take a mile. Opening Pandora's box.
I managed to cope with one issue at a time, but Jan was always sailing off ahead. It is often this haste that will make it challenging for a partner to keep up with and work through relationship changes.
Our grief is very unique
Grief is very different in a tg relationship. Jan believes she is still essentially the same, finally being allowed to show her true self. The new self is a very different presentation, and is not the man I married and knew. There are new mannerisms, and a more gentle and happier person exists.
There is no wake, no grieving as in a funeral, and yet I am expected by Jan to think there is nothing different. "This is the real me", she says. She is still here every day to see and remind me of the past, and my loss.
We are both very different people because of this experience.
Partner services and needs
Jan first disclosed her gender difference to me in 1980, after 10 years of marriage. Some of my needs at this time were :
- I needed peer support with facilitation by a trained counsellor, not another transgendered person.
- I needed information written for and by partners, not by a transgendered person.
- I needed support to make some hard decisions and to manage the grief process.
- I needed to balance the enormous social pressure from friends who unanimously were trying to get me to walk away from the situation. "Get out", they were saying.
- I wanted an answer to the question; 'if Jan transitions to become someone else, what is my role in life with her? What will change? I am not a lesbian.
- What do I need to do to make my own life? Can I compromise and remain a best friend, for example?
- When Jan emerged, our relationship altered, and I distanced myself from Jan. I was frightened of my emotions. To me, this is the area where most support is needed to have a chance of moving on. Services exist for many of life's 'disasters' to help the woman to move on in life, but I had limited access to someone experienced in transgender issues.
- I resented having to tell my story to others. It was painful. I needed to move on with a supportive and understanding facilitator who could empathise with me.
- There was plenty of support for Jan. Bi-monthly visits to a psychiatrist for some years prior to transition. When I requested support, I had to wait six months to see an appropriate and knowledgeable counsellor. By then, the need was no longer there. I was certified sane.
- Coping courses (eg COPE - sorry about the pun)
- If in a relationship, we need access to affordable, professional counselling on a needs basis.
Jan is still very much someone I care about. She and I have shared many unique life experiences. I hope we can share a future, whatever direction it may take us.
